New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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