john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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