he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
