I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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