i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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