so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
