My liver just broke up with me...
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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