the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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