How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
