Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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