Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
