i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
