who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
