i was rollin on her like bob the builder
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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