I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
