So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
