No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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