we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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