there's paper in my vomit.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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