i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
