Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
We left the knife in your bed.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Randomize
