I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
My Sexting was not on an AP level
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
