Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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