He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
