I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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