If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
