there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
