Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
