Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
