then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
