Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
