Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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