So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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