From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
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Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
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While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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