this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
