I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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