Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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