i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
