I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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