I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
