It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
I did not marry a roomba.
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