batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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