Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
