FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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