when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
