my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
