The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
