i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
