I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
