so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
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I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
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