She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
