Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
