Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
