saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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