Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
