Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
