You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
