John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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